The Life I Thought I wanted

Last night I was tooling around on the internet (I know, I know, should've been working on my book) and I stumbled upon a blast from the past. On Facebook I came across one of the guys I started art classes with at BGSU (we were in several studio classes together). After graduating he got his Masters from BGSU and is now a pretty famous artist living and working in Florence, Italy. He has taught classes at SACI and currently does shows all over Italy and Europe. His paintings are amazing (he paints portraits/nudes, mainly). I remember in studio how I was always secretly competing against him--trying to be the better sketcher/painter/sculptor etc. We were cordial in class and chatted as classmates do but he was always somewhat aloof--maybe even shy. As the years went on I broke off into design and he stayed in painting. I took a year and a half off to work and make money and he graduated. When I came back he was a grad student and I was finishing up my design degree. We would acknowledge each other in the halls but it was apparent that he had transcended into something greater then when we shared those early classes together.

Now nearly 20 years later he is living the life I always dreamed about when I was younger--painting and living in Italy. I used to imagine myself sketching on the streets of Italy, painting in a beautiful studio with the perfect-for-painting Mediterranean sunlight as a backdrop. I would tool around the galleries and eat gelatto and sip wine (not at the same time, obviously). I would hang out in vineyards and and go to the sea in my spare time...

Of course my life didn't turn out that way and I am not complaining. Above all things I wanted to be a mom and I have been blessed with that dream coming true (twice!). When I look at Paul's work I admit a part of me is filled with admiration and envy...I wonder if I could have ever been as good as he is? Accomplished as much as he has? But then I look deeper at his paintings and I somehow feel a bit sad for him. His paintings, while amazing, seem very lonely to me--or maybe that is just my way of rationalizing. When I search his bio I never see him mention a family and I have yet to see him smile in a photo or otherwise. So while I may always wonder "what coulda been" I am definitely content with what IS.

PS-if you are interested in seeing Paul's work go to www.paulbeel.com He really IS amazing)