Please Don't Grow So Fast

Liam J. First day of 2nd Grade. Age 7, going on 37.

Last night while Liam and I were having a rare but welcome snuggle on the couch (he's now "too old" to snuggle) he told me, "I decided I am going to save up all of my money." I naturally asked him, "What are you saving your money to buy?" He replied, "I've been thinking and I decided I will save up my money now so when I graduate from college and get married, I'll be able to buy a house right away." I was a bit shocked by his answer, but I know that he is a planner. He already has his life all mapped out.

I asked him, "So who is the lucky person you are going to marry?" He looked at me, annoyed. "I thought we weren't going to talk about that..." (referring to a certain crush he has on a certain adorable, future scientist in his class named "Caitlin"). I said "I am not trying to embarrass you. Your future wife could be anybody. I was just wondering, since you seem so concerned about buying a house and everything, if you had someone picked out already??"  Still clearly annoyed and a bit disgusted by my apparent cluelessness, he said "Mo-o-o-o-o-o-m! Chances are the person I marry I don't even KNOW yet. They are probably someone I'll meet in college!" DUH!

It's moments like this that I sincerely want to cry. He is growing so fast. He has always been growing so fast. He is an old soul and it is painfully clear to us (more so everyday), that he is just biding his time until he can get his life going. We are merely a temporary launch pad. I see it more and more everyday. He is getting more serious. More introspective. More independent. He is pulling away and dodging my hugs and Heaven forbid, my kisses! "Mom!! Please don't kiss me! You may give me a hug, but no kisses." Sigh. It really is enough to break a Mama's heart.

I knew this would happen and I know it is part of their healthy development. Independence is good. It wouldn't be good if he needed and wanted me 24/7. But it still makes me really, really sad. While I love having conversations with the intelligent, sensitive boy he is growing up to be, I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the little, lovable toddler who actually needed me. If only for a little while.

Liam J. Age 2 and forever ago.

I Miss Writing

I have been negligent. Again. I have purposefully been shutting down and tuning out at night and on the weekends. I have intentionally kept myself away from all things creative and I am not exactly sure why. I have the chance to work on some illustrations for a (nonpaying) freelance project but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Or even care. I have spent the extra time purposefully doing anything BUT creative endeavors. I resigned myself to the fact that I work at a job I don't love, but tolerate, and that is good enough for right now. It is not creative and the company seems rooted in 1985, but the pay and benefits are good and the people are friendly. And up until a few days ago, I have been totally fine with ignoring that gnawing in my gut. The gnawing that says "something is missing."

But yesterday when I was out running an idea popped into my head for a kid's book. (Yes, yet another children's book.). The feeling was so strong and overpowering that had I the opportunity, I would have run home and started to write and draw it out right then and there. I feel like it is a sign--whether a sign from God or my dying creative self--I feel like it is a sign to try again. Or at least entertain the idea as more than a passing whim.

So last night after the boys went to bed I started to type out some ideas for my story. I continued again tonight and as I typed I realized that I have really missed writing. I don't claim to be any good at it, but I do enjoy it. I always felt like I was never a great artist OR a great writer--that somehow, I needed them both to complete a thought. When I was in college and (briefly) minoring in creative writing, I remember telling the professor "Sometimes when I paint, I struggle because I see the painting as words in my head. And sometimes when I write I struggle, because I see the story as pictures that I can't explain with words." I still feel that way.

I am here to tell you that there is a very real possibility this little story will never see the light of day. More then likely it won't, actually. But for right now, it is a little life preserver that is getting me through the drudgery at work. And maybe because this is a no-pressure endeavor, it might actually have a chance of survival.

Time will tell.