Today

Today I woke up and the sun was shining. It peeked through my window with its sleepy eyed early Autumn warmth and a gentle breeze was blowing. September in Colorado is absolutely, positively beautiful. Every day is nearly a perfect copy of the day before: big blue skies and plenty of not-too-oppressively-hot sunshine. For the past five years every single September 27th and 28th have been beautiful. I remember this because these days are engraved in my head and heart like a scar.

A wise woman who also happens to be my sister, once told me that you carry your bad memories with you like luggage. Every year the luggage gets a little smaller. You start off hauling a large Army-Issued footlocker around and over time it morphs into a small clutch you can tuck inconspicuously under your arm. It has been five years and I feel like I am now carrying my clutch. I can tuck away the memories and the hurt inside and carry them around with me virtually unnoticed. But they are always there with me and always will be, even if they appear to blend in with the rest of my outfit. Maybe over time, they will get lighter and small enough to carry around in a change purse, but I don't know. Memories can be uncomfortable and awkward and trying to jam them into a small purse? It just seems unrealistic.

Five years ago seems like only yesterday and yet it seems like a lifetime. A different time. A different place. A different reality. But I still wonder... Why?! What-if?! If only I had!! The questions are the hardest and will always take up a lot of space in my bag or clutch. But there are plenty of good memories too (the biggest of which is at school right now) and I am trying to clean out room for them to sit comfortably and safely. It takes too much energy to be sad. It weighs down your head and heart link an anvil.

I went for a run this morning to clear my head and I chose to remember the good. He will always be remembered and missed and loved. He was a good person. He had a huge heart. But he was broken and I couldn't fix him. Focusing on the pain and the hurt only makes my luggage get heavier and I can't be lugging around a bunch of weight when I have two small boys to chase after. And to be honest, I don't think he would want me to. I think he would be happy to know we are well and good and we are loved.

Today I woke up and the sun was shining...

A Liberal Dress Code Policy

Since I have chosen to become an "independent contractor" my appearance has taken a marked, downward  slide into full-blown sloppy. Now that I am painting everyday, there is really no point in getting up and taking a shower only to put on paint-stained clothes. Or no point to apply makeup, wash my hair, etc. And let me clarify something...it's not like I put that much effort into my appearance when I had to go into an office everyday. I've never been into spending a lot of time on how I look-I hate it and the older I get, the more time I need to spend. Don't get me wrong, I like to look nice and presentable and in style--I just don't want to spend any time doing it. At all.

The other day I had a lunch meeting and it was all I could do to put on clean clothes that went together and wash AND dry AND style my hair! I found myself actually getting mad that I had to look nice. Indignant even. I find myself easing comfortably into not caring. I like the extra time not caring allows me. I net an extra 30 to 60 minutes A DAY by not caring how I look. An extra hour a day people!! That is huge! That is an hour I can paint, write, run, clean the house or bake cookies or run to the grocery store. It's like my own private stash of time, tucked away neatly into the span of a normal day. It's gravy.

Now I do start to feel a little guilty that I am not caring. I don't want my children to be embarrassed when I drop them off at school and not offending my husband with my appearance is also important. I just wish I could look decent and presentable without spending any time doing so.

PSSST

We broke another heat record today. Lawsy mercy but it is HOT and DRY and flammable around these parts.

Somebody, please send rain soon...

I'm pretty sure DaVinci had a 6 year old assistant

Yesterday while a very cranky Beanie was taking a very long nap, I decided to sneak out to the Pseudio to paint (because you see, it's not *really* a Studio, but the garage is as close as I am going to get for a while). Liam decided to bring out his crayons and coloring books and papers out to join me. He loves to sit out there while I paint and I love it when he does. He is always so complimentary and so very excited to see the picture slowly revealing itself bit by bit. "Your beautiful painting is looking good Mama!" he will say to me. It always makes me smile--he is very approving and he actually has a very keen eye. I was working on one area of the sky and he would look at the colored sketch I keep for reference and he would make comments "Yes, yes you are doing a good job. See this sky in your picture?? Your painting looks the same. The white matches what you have on this picture."

When he gets a little bit older I will let him help me more. Right now he likes to talk about colors and how one color makes another one, etc. He likes to ask me why oil paints stay wet so long and why I use the certain brushes and colors that I do. I love it, I really do. It was always my dream to have at least one of my kids be interested in art and so far, Liam seems pretty interested. He loves to paint and draw and write stories and create all sorts of neat little things. Sawyer likes art too. I was watching him color yesterday and he was very deliberate, very methodical with his strokes. He is not the typical 2.5 year old who scribbles on a piece of paper. He sits down and very carefully makes his marks and tries very hard to color in the lines (which I have NEVER encouraged the boys to do. Ever. I'm a color outside the line kind of girl). With certain things (his room NOT being one of them), he really likes and needs order. Maybe he will revive the Color Field art movement...

Neverending Summer

Sunday it was 96 degrees here in sunny, blue skied Colorado and today it is supposed to be every bit as hot. The boys went to school in their tank tops, shorts and sandals and it occurred to me this morning that they have not worn pants at all this school year. They have all sorts of cute pants and long sleeved shirts that are still sitting in their dressers with the tags on them...on deck for when fall decides its time to make an appearance.

Jillian, (aka Juu-weee-an)

Sawyer has a new friend at school and I am not sure if he knows it yet. Her name is Jillian and she is a blonde haired, blue-eyed little pixie with a dimple. Every morning she runs in and says excitedly "Well HELLO!!!" and runs over to Sawyer. He always seems a bit shell-shocked because she is on him like a second skin the minute he walks through the door. Yesterday when we arrived she immediately ran over and started to help Sawyer take off his jacket. Dazed and confused (he does not transition easily in the mornings), he stood there as Jillian said "Here, let me help you with that." She then took his jacket off then took it over to his cubby to hang it up for him. I told Beanie, "Can you thank your friend?" and Sawyer replied shyly, "Thank you Juu-weee-an." As I turned around to leave I saw her coming back over and taking his hand and leading him over to the toys. She sees him start to cry and she comes right over. I am not sure if she is so friendly and helpful (and motherly) to all of the kids or if it is just Beanie but it is pretty sweet to see.

Today was the first day in two weeks that he did not cry at drop off. I think he is finally adjusting. Pick ups have been great this week and he has actually been outside playing with the other kids instead of standing by the fence, tearfully looking for his rescue party. Every day his teacher, Miss Aimee has told me he has had a great week and Beanie will repeat "Miss Aimee said I had an awesome day!!" He always recounts the day and it always makes me smile.. "Today Parker had an ax-ident and peed outside! Today we payed in the gym then had snack! Today we read a book about trucks! Today Kianna played wit me! Today Miss Aimee said I had an awesome day!!"

Like I said, it makes me smile.

"And now I intend to learn about Bones"

Last night Liam pulled out his book that he brought home from the school library last friday. It was called "All About Your Skeleton." I was actually excited because it is the first book in over a year that he has brought home from the library that did NOT involve Rain Forests and/or the Amazon. Not that I have anything wrong with these topics...it's just that a little variety would be lovely.

When I asked him why he chose this new book he said "Well, I took out all the books about Rain Forests and now I intend to learn about bones." Yes. He intends to learn about bones. And skeletons, and muscles and nerve endings and various diseases that can plague all of the above. We sat down together and he read through about half of the book. I am continually shocked at how quickly he is reading and comprehending WHAT he is reading. He was sounding out pa-tell-a, and fe-mur and po-li-o and I just sat there in silence trying to keep up with him. He gets very agitated if I stop him because he is reading goshdarnit and can't you see his is busy learning stuff??

Sometimes he gets going so quickly that he jumps over words and just assumes it is the word he is reading. For example he may read "Someone discovered the nerves can..." when really it says "Scientists discovered that nerves carry..." I am fairly certain this is one of the things Mrs. Douglas will be focusing on with him...getting him to slow down and not make guesses or assumptions. The one thing she told us during the Parent Orientation was that they don't want kids reading too far above their age levels. This is to prevent a first grader from reading something written for a 5th or 6th grader and which may scare or confuse them because it is above their maturity and/or comprehension.

Which makes me wonder if reading a book about bones, and blood, and disease and yes, even "amp-u-tat-ions" is such a great idea for a 6 year old? Let me think about this and get back to you after Liam takes his MCAT.

FISH!

As promised, documentation of our fishing trip...

Fish, Hiking & Hunger pains--The Weekend in Review

This weekend marked the first weekend, in nearly forever, that Ken and I went away together sans children. (If you may recall, the last time we attempted such an outing our trip was cut short and I ended up nearly in traction from a snowboarding injury...) We decided to go up to Vail (actually more like Beavercreek) and spend three days and TWO WHOLE NIGHTS AWAY! from our brood. The plan was for Emily to come early Friday morning and stay until late Sunday afternoon. It couldn't have worked out any better...the boys have been missing her something awful and were more then happy to ditch Mom & Dad in order to spend a few days having a "slumber party" with her and since she hadn't seen them in a few weeks, she was eager to spend the time with them too.

So Friday morning Ken and I set out early to make to Vail by 8:30 so we could be in time for my fly fishing lesson (yes, me. Fly fishing). Ken is an avid (read: obsessed) fly fisherman and I wanted to give it a try to see what all the fuss was about. It turns out I really enjoyed it. I love being around the water and my only complaint was that I got a bit chilly standing outside for 5 hours (it was only about 55 that day which is too sudden of a chilly shift in temperatures for my liking.) I ended up hooking about 8 or 10 fish and managed to get one in to shore where the guide promptly documented it (picture proof to follow soon...). We then drove to out beautiful hotel in Beavercreek and got settled in and realized we were starving because we literally had not eaten anything all day and it was 3:30 in the afternoon, which meant it became our only meal of the day. You will soon see this is a reoccurring theme for the weekend...

Saturday I woke up instinctively at 5:30am but forced myself to go back to sleep--out of sheer principle. If I was going to be away from my children I was going to make myself NOT move for as long as humanly possible. I managed to make it to 7:30. Ken followed suit and we were immediately up and caffeinated and dressed for a hike/run outing. Armed with only a hotel trail map, water and a granola bar I got from the Front Desk we set out for a hike, not really sure how far or how long we were going to be out. I don't think either one of us planned on being out nearly six hours and hiking over ten miles of ski slopes but we did.  (Note: it turns out the illusive "Green Trail" on the map and the trail we kept hiking towards was really the "Ski Boundary" notation. Ahem. ) When we drug our dusty, partially dehydrated and starving bones back into the village we immediately sought out food and beverages. To be honest I think we were still starving from the day before. Again, that ended up being the only meal we ate that day. Why, you may be asking yourselves? Because by the time we finally filled our gullets with food we were too pooped to do anything else but shower up and relax (which after all, was the entire point of our trip away in the first place).

Sunday morning brought two tired and beat (and yes, STILL hungry) people. We got up, dressed and drug our sorry butts on a short run up and down the village. There are no flat areas there-you are either climbing slowly or descending rapidly. We finished our run, cleaned up and checked out in pursuit of "the Killer Breakfast". We asked the concierge and he recommended "Route 6" diner. A local favorite. After getting sidetracked a bit we found it and got in line and waited. And waited. And waited. I wanted to cry and or/slap someone I was so very hungry. Because we were desperate to feed we agreed to share a table with another couple who turned out to be very friendly. The woman is an opera singer in Denver and teaches Opera at DU. That was the first time I had ever met a certifiable opera singer. Very cool. The food finally arrived and we inhaled it then set off to hang out the river for a few hours before heading home.

When we were almost home we got rerouted by police officers. We found out later there had been a brush fire in the area (again with the fires around here!). The boys greeted us happily and Sawyer showed me where he had spilled fingernail polish on our bedroom floor while Emily was in the shower as well as the tomatoes he had chosen to harvest himself and then mash into the grass with some sort of mysterious garden implement (although he claims that it was Daddy! No, Liam!  No, it was Mommy! who did it...) Turkey.

All in all, a really enjoyable week. Minus the starvation and the finger polish incident.

Boulder Burning

As many of you non-Coloradoans may have heard or seen on the news, there is a massive fire in the canyons just outside of Boulder. MASSIVE. It breaks my heart every time we turn on the news and see more coverage. We live about 30 or so minutes south of Boulder and we can see, smell and feel the smoke. I can only imagine what it is like the closer you get into Boulder. We have a couple of friends who live in Sunshine Canyon and as of tonight, there is still no word as to whether or not they will still have a home to go back to once the fire is out and the evacuation is lifted. I am hoping for the best for them but it isn't looking good...

So why are we here, anyways??

Tonight at dinner, out of the blue and completely unsolicited, Liam turns to me and asks "So why are we here anyways??" I stopped and asked him "What are you referring to?" He answered "People. Why are people alive? Why are we even here???" 

THUD (the sound of my jaw dropping and hitting the table).

It took me a moment before answering, "Well, that is an excellent question and one that I oftentimes ask myself."  And I DO ask it of myself. Often. What is our purpose? Why ARE we here anyways?? We live everyday and do the same things day in and day out and then we die and the cycle is repeated and only a fraction of a handful of us do anything truly extraordinary. Most of us just exist. Nothing more and nothing less. Of course I didn't tell him any of these thoughts. I instead answered "Well, I guess we are all here so we can carry on the human race. It is kind of our job everyday to get up and keep on going and to try and do things that in the end, will make the world a better place" This answer seemed to appease him. 

And then he asked, "Well where do people come from??" At first I thought 'Oh joy. We are finally going to have THAT conversation and Ken is away from home and gets to miss in all of the fun!' But then I realized that was not what he was asking. He wasn't asking how one person is created, he was asking how were ALL people created?

Again, THUD.

And again, another question I struggle with. Admittedly not the most religious person, I thought of my words carefully. I explained to Liam that some people believe we evolved from animals, like an ape, slowly over time until we are like we are today (which he found preposterous) and I told him how some people believe we were created by God and that we all came from one man and one woman (which he found slightly less preposterous, but barely). I finally ended with "It is really up to you to decide what you choose to believe. Whatever feels right to you is the right answer." He replied to me" Well maybe we should look it up on the computer." Yeah, maybe.

It is the days/nights like this when I think Liam is a bit of an old soul. The things he thinks about (at barely 6 years of age) are things I never contemplated until my angst-filled artsy fartsy teenage years (and later). If he is so observant and questioning now, I can only wonder how he will be when he is a teenager? 

At this rate he may have it all figured out and if he does, I hope he shares the answers with his Mom.

Reader's Digest Abbreviated Version of the Past 5 Days...

Condensed and Abridged:

• Liam rode his bike SOLO for the first time. The look on his face when he realized no one was holding onto his bike...priceless.

• Sawyer did NOT cry at preschool drop off!! (Of course he was crying when I picked him up and has cried every day since but still...progress)

• I have officially been commissioned to do THREE large scale paintings for a restaurant. Three LARGE scale and permanent pieces...sweet.

• I learned tonight at School Orientation that the reason Liam's desk was already moved in class was not because he was talking too much, but because other kids were talking too much and he volunteered to move. Mrs. Douglas said he is doing "amazing." (that's my brainy boy!)

And lastly,

• Only one more day until my emancipation from my corporate design job. (And there was much rejoicing).