Today

Today I woke up and the sun was shining. It peeked through my window with its sleepy eyed early Autumn warmth and a gentle breeze was blowing. September in Colorado is absolutely, positively beautiful. Every day is nearly a perfect copy of the day before: big blue skies and plenty of not-too-oppressively-hot sunshine. For the past five years every single September 27th and 28th have been beautiful. I remember this because these days are engraved in my head and heart like a scar.

A wise woman who also happens to be my sister, once told me that you carry your bad memories with you like luggage. Every year the luggage gets a little smaller. You start off hauling a large Army-Issued footlocker around and over time it morphs into a small clutch you can tuck inconspicuously under your arm. It has been five years and I feel like I am now carrying my clutch. I can tuck away the memories and the hurt inside and carry them around with me virtually unnoticed. But they are always there with me and always will be, even if they appear to blend in with the rest of my outfit. Maybe over time, they will get lighter and small enough to carry around in a change purse, but I don't know. Memories can be uncomfortable and awkward and trying to jam them into a small purse? It just seems unrealistic.

Five years ago seems like only yesterday and yet it seems like a lifetime. A different time. A different place. A different reality. But I still wonder... Why?! What-if?! If only I had!! The questions are the hardest and will always take up a lot of space in my bag or clutch. But there are plenty of good memories too (the biggest of which is at school right now) and I am trying to clean out room for them to sit comfortably and safely. It takes too much energy to be sad. It weighs down your head and heart link an anvil.

I went for a run this morning to clear my head and I chose to remember the good. He will always be remembered and missed and loved. He was a good person. He had a huge heart. But he was broken and I couldn't fix him. Focusing on the pain and the hurt only makes my luggage get heavier and I can't be lugging around a bunch of weight when I have two small boys to chase after. And to be honest, I don't think he would want me to. I think he would be happy to know we are well and good and we are loved.

Today I woke up and the sun was shining...