Course Correcting

A few months ago I made the decision to take a giant leap of faith and leave my full-time job at Noodles & Co. The plan was to phase out and be out of there officially by May. And then June. And then July. Etc. I have been slowly "phasing out" for the past 4 months but never really able to break away. Much of this is my own choosing. Like a habitual life-long smoker, I was terrified to quit cold turkey. I was scared to give up a bit of security (and frustration, and grunt work, and exhaustion) for full-time uncertainty. I had a lot of friends warn me that working part-time then trying to go home and work for yourself part-time was madness. They warned me that my productive time would be spliced in half, verses increased.

And of course, they were right. I was afraid to break away completely but I knew it was finally time. I needed to officially cut the cord. So I put an "expiration date" on my Noodles life (September 3rd).

And then I got an email...

Out of the blue, a local company contacted me about a design position. They had tracked me down from a mutual contact and wanted to talk to me. We talked. They liked me and I liked them. So they brought me in for an interview. And then another interview and then a "final interview" with their CEO. I was torn. I really liked their company and what they were trying to accomplish but I struggled with that little nagging voice inside my head, warning me that I was straying from my directive. Was I bailing on my dream? Selling myself short for an "easy out?" And then to further complicate matters, I received an email from someone whose company I used to work for, who wants me to do some paintings for his new restaurant and could I get started on them soon? This email came the same day that my friend (and former boss) called to see if I would be interested in meeting with her new boss about the possibility of doing some illustrations at some point in time for their children's line of clothing. I started to consider the possibility that Fate was trying to intervene. Possibly.

But a full time job close by my house? Think of the benefits! And the salary!! And the location! But then...there were the hours. The workload. The anal retentive CEO. The lack of a post-run shower facility in their office... What to do, what to do, what to do??? It was the equivalent of being asked to the Prom by the safe, kind, guy who is a friend (and probably great relationship material) when what you really want is to be asked out by the dashing, dark, brooding and slightly-dangerous guy (the one who, more then likely, will leave you heartbroke, crying and wallowing in a pint of Ben & Jerry's while wearing the same bathrobe for two weeks) .

And then as quickly as it all came in to my life, it went away. The decision was made for me...they decided to go with another candidate but would possibly utilize me for some illustration work somewhere in time. I got the news while waiting in the Pediatrician's office with Liam. I sat there a bit stunned. Honestly, I thought (rather vainly) the job was MINE to accept of deny. So when they told me they went with someone else I was a bit stunned. And annoyed (I mean, they DID come looking for ME after all!) And sad. And relieved...all at the same time. I kept telling myself (when I thought the job was mine) that whatever happened was what was meant to be and it would be a cosmic sign that I needed to heed. So after some hours of thinking it through (mixed with some hysterics over the thought of no more insurance, no steady pay check, etc--all things I thought I had come to terms with when I agreed to leave Noodles in the first place) I decided it was going to be alright. Things are going to work out. I will pursue my painting and illustrating and still be able to pick up my babies from school and not feel like the worst Mom of the year when I can't make it to "Pumpkin Patch Day!" at preschool.

My life has just course corrected itself yet again. Life sails on.

Can't talk now...it's Migraine Season!

Day two of a migraine. Which came exactly three days after my last migraine, which, (unoriginally), also lasted for two long, nauseating days. No matter what I take or don't take, the migraine hangs around like the annoying  Magic Carpet Stain Remover salesman guy who comes around our house seemingly weekly and who never takes "no!" for an answer.

I wish for it/them to go away. Stat.

First Day of School

Well it's happened. School has officially started. I am now the mother of a first grader and a preschooler. (gulp). Everyone survived the first day of school and Mom only sobbed off and on for a few hours. I thought dropping off Sawyer would be the majority of my waterworks but I was mistaken. Watching Liam line up with all of the other first-graders nearly did me in. Their backpacks are nearly as big as they are and I am fairly certain Liam's weighs more then he does.

About those backpacks...

I have nearly been done in emotionally by something as seemingly innocent as a backpack. Yesterday, the sight of Sawyer wearing his miniature-scaled "Thomas the Tank Engine" backpack while walking bravely and tearfully through the Preschool doors just about did me in. I still get choked up thinking about it. The drop off yesterday was as painful as I thought it would be. He cried and begged me to take him home and when he realized I would not he cried and begged for me to "leave brudder wit him" Excruciating. There is not much worse then having to have a stranger pry your crying, sobbing and terrified baby from your arms as you run for the door. I cried for a good twenty minutes after in my car.

Liam told me "Stop crying Mom! He'll be fine!" And I KNOW this. I do. But as I told Liam, it is hard to watch your babies (and they will always be our babies) feel so alone and scared and sad. I reminded Liam that I did the same thing with him when I had to drop him off for the first time. I remember him begging and crying at the daycare window, hands flat against the glass crying for me to come back. Torture. But it is good for me to remember these things because now,  Liam could really care less if I drop him off anywhere. If I get even so much-as a hand-wave as some form of acknowledgment when I tell him goodbye, it is a miracle.

I know soon enough Sawyer will get used to school and love it as much as his brother does. He'll also get to the point where he will hardly care if I'm dropping him off or not. And regardless of their ages or grades I will still be left quietly crying in the car over a backpack.

Happy Birthday to You, but Mommy is Blue

Today my oldest child turns six. SIX! I know you hear every parent say the same thing "my, where has the time gone??!" but it is so very true. I woke up this morning feeling a bit blue. My baby starts preschool tomorrow (more then likely against his will) and my oldest one starts first grade where he will be gone all day. He will eat lunch in the cafeteria and be asked to sit at a desk for the better part of a day. I find myself staring to fret..."He's used to getting snacks in the morning! They won't give him snacks and his blood sugar will plummet and he'll have a meltdown and there is no way he can sit still at a desk all day!!!"

Breathe.

I know he will be fine. I know he will be one of many wee first graders new to a full day of school and he is so excited to be back. And even though I didn't feel a love connection with his new teacher like we all did with his old one (Mrs. Jessen), I know she will be good and patient and kind and he will be just fine.

But he's my baby.

I worry about him just like I worry about Sawyer. All day today I caught myself just staring at him, remembering how he looked that very first minute I ever laid eyes on him from across the operating room...so beautiful. So little. So perfect. I remember when I was finally able to hold him feeling for the first time an overwhelming, knock-you-to-your-feet ferocious surge of love and thinking "So THIS is what I am supposed to do with my life..." And just like it was and is when I look at Sawyer I wondered...how did such a beautiful little person come from me? I am humbled and awed by it still.

And now when I look at my first baby I see the tall, lean boy he is growing up to be...the intelligent, ever inquisitive, loud and gregarious, sensitive, generous soul who marches to the beat of his own drum and doesn't much care if anyone marches with him. I pray he keeps these qualities forever. I pray he never loses his way and feels pressure to be just like everybody else. I pray he is happy and healthy and comfortable in his own skin because he is absolutely perfect, just the way he is.

I love you my sweet, wonderful boy. Happy birthday. XOXOXO

Uh Oh

Today has been a very, very LONG day. (So long in fact, that I wish somebody would invent a device to read my thoughts and transfer them to text so I wouldn't have to stay up late and write this down...) Work was very bad. Doctor's appointment was tiring, Sawyer's first day of preschool...very rough (more on that another day). Then to top it all off Liam started to complain of an earache tonight. He hasn't had an ear infection in three years...I foolishly thought we were out of the woods. He suddenly started to cry around 5:00 and grab his ear. I am wondering if he may have swimmer's ear from his last swim lesson yesterday? I gave him some motrin and he laid on the couch and fell asleep. We urged him to get up and try to eat but he wasn't hungry. He immediately went and fell asleep on the couch. I carried him up to bed at 8:30 and had him go to the bathroom and it was all he could do to muster up the energy to do even that much. Tomorrow is his teacher evaluation at school as well as the eve of his birthday party (as well as the day Mommy needs to get one thousand things done for said birthday party). I am hoping a good night's sleep will do wonders for him and he will wake up miraculously feeling better. 

Crossing fingers...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Liam had his much anticipated, long-awaited cavity filling today. He has been counting the days for the past two weeks, eagerly anticipating "The Dental Appointment." He was brushed, flossed and ready to go by the time I got home from work to pick him up. We got to the appointment early (a half hour early because Mommy forgot to mark down the correct time) and when it was finally his turn he was a happy guy. His first question was "So which movie do I get to watch?" (truly the main selling point of the whole cavity filling procedure). The dental assistant got him all situated with a movie, headphones and glasses and then hooked him up to the Nitrous Oxide. So far so good. Then she began to prepare his mouth for the procedure by propping his mouth open which was when Liam started to think maybe this wasn't going to be the treat he initially thought it was. He started to grab at the gear in his mouth and I had to gently keep reminding him to let Dr. Betty do her job (this was after bopping poor, sweet Dr. Betty in the nose as he tried to grab the tool out of her hand). I could tell the laughing gas was making him groggy and out of it--I imagine he felt like he was in a bit of a dream.

All in all though he did fine. Dr. Betty filled the cavity (luckily there was only one) and Liam was able to remove the much hated dental dam from his mouth. They rewarded him with a popsicle and all was forgiven. I asked him afterwards what he thought of the experience and he said "In some ways it was better then I thought it would be and other ways it was WORSE." I guess 50/50 isn't all that bad.

Running Through It

I think I may have mentioned recently how run down I have been feeling. At just about any given time of the day I just want to lay down. Of course,  I still make myself get out and run or work out because I know I'll feel exhausted regardless, so I might as well just run through the fatigue and at least feel better mentally.

So it occurred to me on my run today (as I was slogging through the miles feeling tired and slow) that throughout my numerous years of running I have had to "run through" a lot of things. I started to count up the times I have either felt particularly bad or been going through really bad times in my life and yet I always "ran through it" no matter how poorly I felt. 

I've run through anemia, stress fractures, bronchitis, morning sickness, bulging discs, a ruptured disc, Norovirus a.ka. Cruise Ship Illness, dehydration, ischemic collitis, illiotibial band syndrome, migraines, moving to a new state, bad states of mind, job loss, separation, loss of loved ones and numerous other day to day struggles and yet...I run.

 I might be a crazy nut job but at least I don't quit (even though there are times when I probably should). 

I Yove You Mommy

Evenings are my favorite part of the day. After the boys are fed and bathed and the kinetic energy of the day is ebbing we sit on the couch and snuggle. Sometimes it is only for five minutes and other nights, longer. Having both boys in my arms and by my sides is better then absolutely anything else I could ever imagine. Hands down, wonderful. I tell them this all of the time and Liam now will repeat it back to me "This is your favorite thing, isn't it Mama?"And then he'll ask "Do you love it even better then running?" And I always answer "Better then running and anything else in the whole wild world." And I mean it.

Then just when you think it can't get any better you take a night like tonight when the littlest one puts his arms behind your back, lays his head on your chest and looks up at you with those big, gorgeous blue eyes and says unsolicited...'I yove you Mommy! I yove you SOOOO much!!" it can bring you to tears by the pure beauty of it all. As rough and tumble as Beanie is, he is equally as loving. A few days ago I was holding him and he leaned in and squeezed me tight and said "I am so happy I have you!" It made my heart (and eyes) swell.

No matter how hard some days are and how challenging the boys can be at times it are these sweet moments that erase everything negative that came before it. It is like an emotional battery recharging for  your soul. And tonight, my batteries are fully loaded.

Goodnight sweet boys. I yove you both SOOOOO much.

I know...you're welcome!

We are entering into the start of the 8th day of potty training and Beanie is still doing really well. He finally, FINALLY seems to be open to the possibility of perhaps, maybe allowing his poop to go in the potty instead of in his pants. The past two days he has actually went IN the toilet and I think he maybe is starting to figure it all out. He gets so upset if it doesn't happen instantly. He is very impatient and I have NO idea where he gets that from...

;-p

Every time he goes potty we tell him of how proud we all are and every time without fail he will answer "I knooooow! You're welcome!" As in, "yes I realize how happy this makes you and you are just lucky I am allowing you all to experience my success. You're WELCOME."

Makes me giggle every time.

Potty Time!

This weekend was supposed to be the official commencement of Potty Boot Camp. The time when we strip Sawyer of all of his diapers and force him into wearing underwear and chasing him around all day making sure he doesn't pee or poop in the house. Or the front yard. Or the dog dish. I had a weekend of house arrest planned. The boys and I weren't going to stray 3 yards from a toilet.

But then something amazing happened. On Wednesday morning when Sawyer woke up and I was changing him I asked if he wanted to wear his NEW undies that he picked out (Yo Gabba Gabba undies) and shock o' shocks...he said "Ok!" This was a mere ten minutes after he informed me he didn't want to go potty (EVER) because a mean girl "picked him up and flushed him down the toilet one time." When he told me this I asked him if that REALLY happened and he smiled and said "Yes...(pause) no. I just kidding." Turkey.

So back to the undies...he really appeared to want to wear them and I was not about to discourage him. I asked Emily if she was up to the challenge and she said "bring it on. I'm ready!" Oh bless Ms. Emily!! So that day he had multiple accidents (unsurprisingly) but Emily kept trying. She could tell he was scared to let it go into the potty so we came up with the idea that afternoon to take the potty outside. She did, and not more then 5 minutes later he peed! Not in the potty, but under the tree in the general vicinity of the potty. Everyone cheered and it was like something clicked in his sweet head. After he would say "The pee pee is coming out!!" whenever he felt the urge. He was able to hold it and the next time he actually peed IN the potty. And he has been going in it ever since.

Today I actually took him to the Apex Center (for over an hour), to the coffee shop and to get his hair cut and no accidents! Of course he had yet to poop in the toilet (aren't you glad you read my blog?) but to make a long story short...he was FINALLY able to accomplish #2 tonight in the potty. Hooray!!! He seemed very excited when it finally happened (as were the rest of us). Today marked a totally accident free day after training only 3 days.

Of course I know there are many messes and set-backs ahead, but for now, I am choosing to bask in the victories. And while I don't want my babies to grow up too quickly this is one part of "the early years" I am happy to see end.

Look Ma...a Cavity, or two.

Today was Liam's 6 month dental appointment and yes...drumroll...he has a cavity. Maybe even a cavity and a half. They won't really know for sure until they go in to fix the other one. So we have an appointment in two weeks to repair it. Liam is already excited by this. He is one of those rare breed of humans who actually LIKE going to the dentist. He is fascinated by all of the tools, the lights and the BUTTONS. Oh! The buttons you can press when you are at a dentist's office!

The entire time Dr. Betty was explaining to me what they would do Liam was busy peppering her with 8 million questions all while fondling the headlamp/glasses she had draped around her neck. "What happens if I press this? Where does that tube go? When I pull on this will it break???" Poor sweet Dr. Betty. I think she was exhausted by the time we were out of there and lucky for her...she gets to see us again in two weeks!!! Hooray... meh.

I'm sorry Dr. Betty. I can't help it. I have given birth to very, very intelligent and inquisitive boys. Last week when we were siting in the airplane Liam asked me "So how do planes fly exactly?" And being an artsy fartsy type with little to no aptitude for mechanics or science, other then responding, "you pay a lot of money for cramped seats and no amenities"... I didn't know how to answer  him. So when we arrived at LAX and Liam immediately started explaining to Grandpa Bill how planes fly, I shouldn't have been surprised. "I know how they fly Grandpa! The "boosters" on the back of the plane spin so fast and make so much wind it causes the plane to move forward. I know this because I watched it and I saw how it worked." Aside from calling the engines boosters, he was right of course.

He already gets so many things with little explanation from anyone. He asks a million exhausting questions but all he wants to do is just figure things out. He is wise beyond his years in so many ways. I am waiting for the day when he will realize he is far superior in intelligence then his mother.

But he probably knows that already.

Beach Babies

My babies LOVE the beach. Love it, love it, LOVE. IT. I was actually quite surprised with how much they loved it...even with cool grey skies and frigid water temps. I guess it should be no surprise...what is not to love about the ocean? It's the world's biggest sandbox. As Beanie kept repeating..."There is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH SAND!!!!!" He would literally roll around in it, just like a happy and excited puppy would.

Liam instantly made friends the minute we arrived. He quickly learned how much fun it is to jump over waves and pick up random stuff floating in the water.

Both boys probably would have stayed there all day. Despite being cold. Despite being pelted by wind and sand and waves. Despite just about all personal comfort levels (including their mother's...).

All in all, a fun time.

California Dreamin'

Whew! Our weekend California adventure is in the books and I survived to tell the tale! For those that don't know, at the last minute Ken had a major work project and had to back out of the trip so I went solo with the lads to L.A. for a long (at times, VERY long) weekend with the boys to visit still more grandparents (my boys are blessed with lots of loving grandparents!!). We had a great time and while it was very exhausting it was so nice to spend time with the California relatives. We flew in Thursday night and got up early on Friday for a surprise trip to Legoland, spent Saturday recovering from Legoland and hanging out on the beach and then we returned home this afternoon.

If I can gather my wits and my energy about me I will try to compose a more detailed report later with video but for now, enjoy a couple o' pics...Beach photos tomorrow.

The Hallowed entrance into "Legoland" or as Liam calls it...LegoWORLD! Had you told me
we would be there for over nine, yes, NINE hours I would have called you crazy. 

The first ride...

Mr. Ornery, getting ready to pounce on some 7 year olds.
(there's a funny story there)