My favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye. The first time I ever read it I drank it up like a dehydrated person gulps down water. There was just something about Holden Caulfied's internal(and external)struggles that I identified with. I soon set out to read as much of J.D. Salinger's work as I could and became even more intrigued by his self-imposed isolation. I always secretly hoped he would reemerge and continue to write but he never did. He died today at the age of 91.
"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."
–from The Catcher in the Rye
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Irony
Over the past few weeks I have been getting my arse kicked by my new trainer/coach. Erin is great--I love her a lot even though she makes me hurt and want to cry and pass out from lack of oxygen. Last week was the last "push" week before this week's blessed "recovery" week. She had me at the track timing my 400's and 800's and commenting that I was doing great and that she thinks that I can maybe even increase my (i.e .her) estimated race pace for me from 8 minute miles to sub 8's (7:45 maybe?). Of course this is Boston--a notoriously beast of a course, so the likelihood of 26.2 miles of sub 8's is questionable at best. And that's provided I get there in one piece. (See earlier "Boston Curse" post). So needless to say, the past few weeks have beat me down. A lot. (and I confess I DO love every minute of it. When it's over.). I was SO looking forward to this week's easy schedule--so how does my body repay the gratitude? It starts to get sick. Sore throat, gut ache, head congestion kind of sick--and all on the day before I have to go to a 2 day work "retreat". I guess I should try to look at the glass "half full" and say "Wow-good thing I am sick THIS week when I don't have to run as much/hard! That way I'll be in top form next week when I get my butt beat down again! Sweet!"
Not that I am getting sick. I don't get sick.
Not that I am getting sick. I don't get sick.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Hiatus Over
I finally got my computer back today and I must confess, once I adapted to the Internet-less lifestyle-I kind of liked having the break from checking emails, reading Facebook and yes, even blogging. I liked having a legitimate excuse after the boys were in bed and things put away (sort of) to just sit and read a book. (A really good book too--the Story of Edgar Sawtelle--I highly recommend it). And now that I am reunited with connectivity I once again feel my free time slipping away and my should-be-doing list growing longer. Sometimes I do envy the Amish...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Chatterboxes
Last night I came home from work and per the normal routine, was instantly bombarded by small boys and about a zillion questions. Beanie immediately runs over with his demands. "Mommy! Coat, OFF! Mommy! SIT!" and from the older one..."Hey Mommy can I watch another show because I only watched one show, well actually there were THREE shows in that one show but really it was only ONE show and you said I get to watch TWO shows if I'm good and I had a good day so can I watch another show that has three shows in it?" All of this transpires usually at the same time the second my foot hits the door.
I love coming home and seeing their sweet faces. I miss them during the day. I want to scoop them up and squeeze them and pepper them with kisses but I must admit, I would love to do this while they are quietly playing or reading a book, verses trying to do it whilst the verbal hurricane pounds down on me. Some days when I come home I am so mentally drained I cannot compute the 1 million questions that are thrown my way. And Liam NEVER stops talking. EVER. He can talk long and loudly without stop. Ken & I are amazed/horrified by this. It is like verbal diarrhea that keeps coming at you. And then I catch myself telling Liam "Buddy, I love you but I need you to just be quiet for just a little bit." And he will say "OK!" and then start launching into another flood of questions about 30 seconds later. I feel horrifically guilty about this--I don't want to stifle his opinions (and he has a lot of them) or make him feel like what he has to say isn't important--because it is. It's just that the non-stop talking is...exhausting.
The guilt pounds down on me on nights like this and I realize that some day, in the not-so-distant future when he they are brooding teens and won't give me the time of day I am going to BEG them to talk to me. I know this and try to remind myself of this fact when my nerves feel frazzled and my brain is wrung out like an overused sponge. As much as I crave some mental peace when I come home I realize that they crave a piece of my time just as much and I owe it to them to listen. I just wish that I could control the volume and press pause every once in a while.
I love coming home and seeing their sweet faces. I miss them during the day. I want to scoop them up and squeeze them and pepper them with kisses but I must admit, I would love to do this while they are quietly playing or reading a book, verses trying to do it whilst the verbal hurricane pounds down on me. Some days when I come home I am so mentally drained I cannot compute the 1 million questions that are thrown my way. And Liam NEVER stops talking. EVER. He can talk long and loudly without stop. Ken & I are amazed/horrified by this. It is like verbal diarrhea that keeps coming at you. And then I catch myself telling Liam "Buddy, I love you but I need you to just be quiet for just a little bit." And he will say "OK!" and then start launching into another flood of questions about 30 seconds later. I feel horrifically guilty about this--I don't want to stifle his opinions (and he has a lot of them) or make him feel like what he has to say isn't important--because it is. It's just that the non-stop talking is...exhausting.
The guilt pounds down on me on nights like this and I realize that some day, in the not-so-distant future when he they are brooding teens and won't give me the time of day I am going to BEG them to talk to me. I know this and try to remind myself of this fact when my nerves feel frazzled and my brain is wrung out like an overused sponge. As much as I crave some mental peace when I come home I realize that they crave a piece of my time just as much and I owe it to them to listen. I just wish that I could control the volume and press pause every once in a while.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Happy Birthday to the Roses
Happy Birthday to my lovely Mother & niece today!! Leslie, I can't believe you are 15 and Mom, I can't believe you are 40 again. ;-)
Love you both. Enjoy your serenade!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Takes Your Breath Away
I am sitting here at work, trying to clandestinely type a message on my blog. Clearly, my laptop is still "in repair." I hope to have it back by Saturday at the latest. I miss it. I would rather give up t.v. then my laptop.
It has been quite the week. Work has been crazy busy and continues to be a roller coaster of drama (thankfully, not involving me.) I have learned to emotionally detach myself from it most days. It is self-preserving. I started training with my Christmas gift Erin. I am not sure if I mentioned it or not, but Ken got me three months of Boston training from Erin Watson, the head coach at Alan Culpepper's running store. VERY cool. I worked out with her for the first time and I loved it. She has me doing a lot of hill work and speed work. I even surprised myself with how fast I can run when someone else is controlling the speed on the treadmill. Who knew?
In other news Beanie is now in a "big boy bed." Incredible. I can't believe that he lays down every day and night of his own free will. Of course he still wakes up often and early (like before) but now the threat of him scaling the crib walls and breaking his neck are gone. Or at least diminished. I'm still not convinced he won't try to grab the car keys and make a break for it in the middle of the night...
Other than that, things are status quo for the most part. I hit a bit of a detour today in the mood department but running EIGHT hill repeats at all-out effort sucked the remaining life out of me. SO now the air I am breathing is reflating my lungs and my mood. What triggered the detour was a song I had never heard before. Very sad. Very haunting. Tragic and beautiful. I was shocked with how hard it hit me. I've come to realize that memories can be as stealthy as ninjas. You just never know when one is going to ambush your other-wise normal day and knock you off your feet. I suppose it is good to remember the things that hurt the most. It reminds us of how far we've come and surprises us with how far we have to go. I've come a long way. I am in a good place. I am lucky to be spending my life with three wonderful guys. Yet sometimes I still hurt and I still question why. I suppose I always will. I talked to Ken about what happened and like normal, he was wonderful, supportive and understanding. He gets it. He doesn't try to force me to feel better. He is awesome and again, I am lucky.
It has been quite the week. Work has been crazy busy and continues to be a roller coaster of drama (thankfully, not involving me.) I have learned to emotionally detach myself from it most days. It is self-preserving. I started training with my Christmas gift Erin. I am not sure if I mentioned it or not, but Ken got me three months of Boston training from Erin Watson, the head coach at Alan Culpepper's running store. VERY cool. I worked out with her for the first time and I loved it. She has me doing a lot of hill work and speed work. I even surprised myself with how fast I can run when someone else is controlling the speed on the treadmill. Who knew?
In other news Beanie is now in a "big boy bed." Incredible. I can't believe that he lays down every day and night of his own free will. Of course he still wakes up often and early (like before) but now the threat of him scaling the crib walls and breaking his neck are gone. Or at least diminished. I'm still not convinced he won't try to grab the car keys and make a break for it in the middle of the night...
Other than that, things are status quo for the most part. I hit a bit of a detour today in the mood department but running EIGHT hill repeats at all-out effort sucked the remaining life out of me. SO now the air I am breathing is reflating my lungs and my mood. What triggered the detour was a song I had never heard before. Very sad. Very haunting. Tragic and beautiful. I was shocked with how hard it hit me. I've come to realize that memories can be as stealthy as ninjas. You just never know when one is going to ambush your other-wise normal day and knock you off your feet. I suppose it is good to remember the things that hurt the most. It reminds us of how far we've come and surprises us with how far we have to go. I've come a long way. I am in a good place. I am lucky to be spending my life with three wonderful guys. Yet sometimes I still hurt and I still question why. I suppose I always will. I talked to Ken about what happened and like normal, he was wonderful, supportive and understanding. He gets it. He doesn't try to force me to feel better. He is awesome and again, I am lucky.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Diagnosis: Failed Hardrive
Why this is bad...
1.) I am not able to get on the internet after 5:00 M-F
2.) I am not able to get on Facebook, check email or blog after 5:00 M-F
3.) The story I was writing is more than likely gone forever since I only stored it on my laptop.
4.) It will cost much $$ and time to repair.
and the worst reason:
5.) LOTS of pics and video of the kids (especially Liam when he was little) are more then likely gone.
Needless to say postings will be sporadic this week until I am reunited once again with my MacBook Pro. Sigh.
1.) I am not able to get on the internet after 5:00 M-F
2.) I am not able to get on Facebook, check email or blog after 5:00 M-F
3.) The story I was writing is more than likely gone forever since I only stored it on my laptop.
4.) It will cost much $$ and time to repair.
and the worst reason:
5.) LOTS of pics and video of the kids (especially Liam when he was little) are more then likely gone.
Needless to say postings will be sporadic this week until I am reunited once again with my MacBook Pro. Sigh.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Technical Difficulties
My laptop officially croaked over the weekend so I am no longer to post at home or check emails, etc. I am taking it in to the Mac Store today but I suspect I might be "without power" for some time. I'll try to pop in when I get a break at work.
Happy 2010!
Happy New Year! I hope 2010 brings everyone health, happiness and all good things. We rang in the new year with our now traditional "sitting on the couch, drinking wine and eating shrimp" festivities. This year Liam asked if he could stay awake "until noon" with us. We told him he could stay up as late as he could but the minute his eyes closed we were sending him off to bed. He did surprisingly well--at one point he looked over at Ken whose eyes were closed and he said "Daddy! You're falling asleep!" He wiggled and squirmed to stay awake (Liam, not Ken) and I put him to bed around 10:30 and I went to bed immediately after (hey-it was New Year's on the east coast so I felt justified). Liam said his favorite part of the evening was getting to sit on the couch and eat shrimp--that skinny little boy LOVES shrimp!
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