Sigh. I'm having another one of "those" days...the blue, funk, feel like the worst mom in the world kind of days. I should start charting these kinds of days and see if they correspond with the phases of the moon, or the phases of my hormones. I can't really put my finger on anything specific, I just feel emotionally heavy (and physically too). NOT working out, aside from walking gingerly, is not helping my mood. I need my endorphins! Wahh!!!!
Yesterday when I got home from work I was informed that Liam ruined a perfectly good day right before I got home by kicking Miss Emily in the leg over some sort of misunderstanding. He then proceeded to cry and say that he missed his Mommy, etc. The majority of Liam's worst meltdowns occur towards the end of the afternoon. They always have. Emily said that he has been crying for me a lot lately--we are not sure if he is really missing me that badly or merely using it as a way to get attention or to gain sympathy. Emily thinks it is both. Last night Liam told me the story of "the little boy who was SO excited because it was a 'Mommy/Daddy day' (i.e. weekend) and he got to go with them to the store and pick out a toy and it was the best day EVER."
I struggle with the whole guilt of working and then finding/making quality time at home and if there is anything left over, a few minutes for myself. Ken has no problem getting out. Me? I struggle because I actually WANT/NEED to spend the time with my boys even when I am pooped. I see them so rarely during the week that I feel I need to get in as much time with them as possible. I was lamenting to Mary, a woman at work, this morning about how I feel guilty for not being home tonight (I have a baby shower for a coworker) especially after Liam's recent tirade on not seeing me enough. We were talking about why Mom's feel this way. Mary said she understood and said that "men are incapable of feeling guilt the way women do." And I think she is right. I have yet to meet a dad who ever felt guilty for taking time for themselves. Maybe it goes all the way back to Eve instigating getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden ( Adam: "Hey Eve! Thanks for making me eat that forbidden fruit and getting us banished from paradise. Since it was all YOUR fault I think you owe me and the rest of humanity for all of eternity." )
Yeah. Thanks A LOT Eve.
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