Letting go

Last night I went to a memorial gathering for a former coworker and running friend of mine. He died a week ago. He took his own life.

I have struggled all week with my emotions. It has been hard to think of much else. I had seen him a few weeks ago and he smiled and laughed and gushed about his children and he told me "Life is good!" Clearly, it wasn't good enough.

It has stirred up a bee's nest of emotions and questions: How could you...? Why didn't you...? Why DID you? After I found out, I found myself very angry. He and I had talked about what an ugly, ugly thing suicide is. He would always shake his head sadly and say, how awful for the family. How tragic. How selfish. How senseless.

And now it is his family and friends who are shaking their heads sadly saying, "How senseless."


Last night Ken and I came home and sat up and talked for many hours, trying to make some sort of sense of the senseless. When I got angry and said "How could he do that to his children? He loved them SO much!" Ken said, "so knowing that, think of how much pain he must have been in to choose to leave them?" I have seen and lived through the level of despair a suicidal person goes through. This morning I put aside my anger and disappointment and reminded myself that you can't love someone enough to make them love themselves. I've tried. It doesn't work.

I wish he would have sought help. Let someone, anyone, know of these demons he was secretly fighting. But he didn't and now he is gone. And even though I am very saddened and heartsick for what his children are going through and will continue to go through, I am choosing to take the anger and let it go.

Goodbye John. And as you said to others so many times, "you are special."